Name Game
July 9th, 2006
Friday’s Maureen Dowd column was all about the decisions and options related to name-changing when one gets married. I find that despite my age, and my firm desire to keep my name, it’s still a decision I think about, mainly because there seems to be no good option for women. As one newlywed who created a new last name with her husband said:
“I really wanted him to understand what it meant to be a woman entering into this — either change your name or not have the same name as your kids.”
Our friend Dave has suggested a joint last name of Yorkson. And I could always go the hyphenated route, I guess. I really don’t want to change my name though. Honestly, it sounds like a huge pain in the ass. And IT’S MY IDENTITY. But Hanson is the name of my father and grandfather, two men I don’t have any particular desire to carry on the family name for. Maybe it’s just spite, but I think, why would I keep the name of these men I have not-so-good feelings for? And not share a name with a man I’m deeply in love with? And with whom I am about to begin a lifetime partnership?
But perhaps Hanson has been successfully co-opted for good. After all, it’s the name of my mother (still) and sister, two women I deeply love and admire. And I’ve been no slouch as a Hanson, either. I like the 35-year-old woman I’ve become, and each moment that got me here was with that name.
This is a quandry. I see, 100%–so that makes 200%, both sides.
Really, we just swap on man’s name for another.
I do like the hybrid of your two names and actually know someone who knows someone who actually did this. They went from Cooperton and Kawasaki to The Cooperkawa’s. Isn’t that just too cute?!? And it looks so great on their holiday newsletter!
Might I just advise from experience: DO NOT HYPHENATE! Seriously. It creates unnecessary drama with dental records, medical records, DMV records, NSA records, etc.
Do what feels best for you. And remember, there will be times, I assure you, when you won’t WANT the same last name as your child.
so as a bride to be with 8 weeks and counting (and I’m guilting Jess into finding a cheap ticket to get out here!!!), I can’t help but chime in because although I’ve been engaged for 2 years, I am still fretting about this issue. Married before, changed my name then, and was so liberated to change it back when I got divorced. My fiance is so disappointed, but inevitably, one of us might be with this decision and I’ll always have the option to change it to his later if I have regret. But I don’t think changing back to my maiden name after the wedding would earn me any bonus points in the healthy relationship column, no? Plus hyphenation usually creates ridiculous concoctions that sound like “inagaddadavida”, especially with a last name like mine. I’m looking at it this way….I can still be Mrs. Van Wert to teachers, doctors, playmate’s mothers and our annual Xmas card without changing it legally, but I want to maintain my identity as Ms. Hnatow. Jess…you got plenty of time to think about it.
Why would your kids have to take his last name?
I think the obvious answer is to come up with a completely new surname, something that will ensure the popularity of your children when they are in junior high school. Something like John Westside-Till-I-Die or Jennifer Best-Represent.
Kids would have his last name because I’m not anxious to pass down Hanson - and creating a third last name seems a bit much. Although…I think Oso may be on to something!
Let me second Aaryn’s advice not to hyphenate. It’s a horrible burden. I have three identies, which as a Gemini, I somewhat enjoy. But it sure makes things difficult when I’m trying to remember what my dentist thinks my name is, and it’s a lot to write when you’re signing voluminous loan docs! Plus, I should have just taken his name, because then my initials would be P.A.M., which as a kid I thought would be so cool!
It’s the symbol of the thing for the whole female side of the race, huh? What a burden! My Mom took my dad’s last name and never changed it because her marriage to him changed her life - her whole perception of herself - for better more than for worse.
I kinda feel sorry for the man (Mr. Betrothed) whose life surely changes yet doesn’t have that societal and symbolic reminder all the time. In a perfect reflection of our times, I agree with Oso - both should change the name - for better or for — well at least for REAL.
Complicated, huh?
Bottom line: you gotta either pay money or waste precious time to have the various documents, accounts, forms of identification changed to your “new” name. So why bother? But then there’s always the syllable argument: York is a nice mono-syllabic surname. You can understand why I didn’t want Espinosa–four syllables. Good god!
Response to Andrew:
I would want my kids to have his name because I have two brothers who are married or engaged and can carry on my family name and my fiance is an only child and the last Van Wert in his lineage. It feels like a nice compromise to me. But inevitably…everyone has to do what they can live with. I think the new names is a creative and a very cool idea, just not for me–because my whole point, is that I like my name and I like my fiance with his name. What an interesting topic though….thanks jess!
Hola- (met you at Ruby’s B-day party)
I have always thought it was kind of crazy for women to change their names and slightly shocked what a huge percentage of women actually do- in the school directory of my daughter’s school which is a pretty progressive place- WAY more women change their names then don’t.
But anyway that is not really the story I wanted to write about. One of my closest friends from University and I had a bit of a falling out a few years back. I decided to track her down recently to try to reconnect. Well, even with the wonders of google I couldn’t find her because she had gotten married and I literally did not know her name. On a very basic level isn’t that crazy? It is 2006 and women still get married and change their whole identity. Luckily for me she has a brother who I did find by googling and we have since connected. What if she only had sisters?
My blog “arredonald” is actually my hubby and my last names together. We could have also been “macdondo” which also sounds kind of cool- but no way was my husband changing his name.
I do understand worrying about the kids. My 2 kids have their dad’s name and it doesn’t really bother me. It is a cooler name for one thing. The other thing is the last name “macdonald” can kind of be a bitch in elementary school.
OK - here is the perspective of a much older woman. I married at what is considered today, a very young age - 23. I had only been out of college and in the work world for a year. I changed my name (no one I knew didn’t in 1968). My real career came 9 years later, after having kids, and at that point I made a feeble attempt to use both maiden and married surnames professionally, but it never really stuck. When I got divorced I thought about going back to my original name - many women my age had begun doing that - but by then I was in my 40’s and my marriage name really was my identity to the world and I also didn’t want to make my daughters’ lives any more complicated at that point. But, I have to agree with Laura. It’s a personal, subjective decision and whatever you decide the rest of the world will get used to and go along with. If I had it to over, maybe I’d choose…..Rumpelstilskin!
Andrea—just remembering how graciously you opened your house to my miserable self when I got the chance to regain my maiden name via divorce. That was one heck of a chinese food fest–enough salt in the tears that we didn’t need soy sauce. All these years later, thank you.