We Live in Interesting Times
February 5th, 2008
On the eve of this Super-ist of Super Tuesdays, I know I’m stating the obvious. Like many, I doubted I’d ever have the chance to vote for a viable female or black presidential candidate in my lifetime. And now, both at the same time! It’s freaky Friday, only late Monday night, and this decision is far more stressful and upsetting than I ever could have predicted.
I’m off to the polls in less than 12 hours, and still unclear on which chad to punch. I know I’m not alone here. I’ve asked my sister every day for two weeks who she plans to vote for, and each time she sounds closer to tears born of sheer frustration. “I don’t knowwwwww,” she moans. “What am I going to do?”
Hell if I know.
Countless friends, all of them female, are in the same hand-wringing cycle of hope, pride, fear and guilt that leaves us bouncing back and forth between Clinton and Obama. Many of us are on the verge of junkie behavior when it comes to media consumption and political analysis. We’ve read enough articles in the Times (New York, LA), Slate, Salon, The Atlantic, the Post (Washington, Huffington), The New Yorker and The New Republic to have both candidate platforms memorized in unnatural detail. We can quote speeches and Maureen Dowd columns from memory. We know how to use the information, but we’re cautious about where to place our passion. This isn’t what the media might like to simply label a head vs. heart decision. This is heart vs. heart. And whichever way I vote, I’m worried mine might break.
I’ll let Rebecca Traister articulate the internal struggle of my left and right ventricles, because she really nailed it today. Beyond experience and inspiration and the looming legacy of Bill, there is a sense of duty and loyalty for Hillary that is difficult to reconcile with my very practical belief that the other candidate has a better chance of winning the general election. And my desire for a Democrat, ANY Democrat, to win this election is not practical. It is a desperate and true emotional need. I couldn’t bear to see McCain win because me and my fellow Californians picked the wrong opponent.
So when the other candidate also happens to be brilliant, inspirational to a new generation of voters, a poster boy for the new American experience, anti-war, a great orator and a savvy politician who has the chance to begin healing generations of racial discord in this country, what’s a liberal voter with an X chromosome to do?
Then there is my mother. And by my mother, I mean my mother and a generation of women who came of age in the sixties, fought for equal rights for their gender, endured blatant sexism in the workplace, raised politically engaged daughters and got us all excited about Geraldine Ferraro when we were still in elementary school. This was, and IS my mother. Her car always had bumper stickers that said “ERA Yes” and “Keep Abortion Legal”. She has sat in job interviews and been told, “Well, if you were a man I would hire you.” She’s been a single parent, the primary breadwinner, and by far my greatest political influence. You might not be surprised to hear she’s voting for Hillary.
And how could she not? Everything in her life has led to her clear choice. I get it. I’m grateful that she and her peers fought the battles that made my job interviews easier, and held to legal standards that protect my privacy and rights. I have my own woman-to-woman reasons for a Hillary vote, but they can’t begin to reach the roots of hers.
This morning I told her I was voting for Obama. And she told me that she’ll be (metaphorically, of course) bringing her mother and grandmother in to the voting booth with her tomorrow. Although it wasn’t her intent, a punch in the gut would have hurt less. There’s no treat in knowing that the cherry on top of my indecision sundae is letting down four generations of women. And really, I was feeling that pressure even before she weighed in. As Rebecca eloquently says:
What if I have a daughter someday and she asks me about why we’ve never had a woman president? Do I tell her that we once came close, but that Mommy was really digging Obama that day?
Thing is, I AM feeling Obama. Not without regret or reservation. And not with any huge margin. But right now, at 11:06pm on Monday night, I have a little more faith in his ability to land in the Oval Office. But I inevitably waffle, especially when I hear another man make a sexist comment about a woman who is crazy qualified to run this country. And then I think, I need to vote for her! Then I’m back in the cycle.
Sigh.
This evening on my way home from work, right before I got on the freeway, I drove by a dozen twenty-year-olds. They were pumping Obama signs in the air, grinning and jumping with the thrill of being hours away from their first legal vote. Begging each car to honk in response, their joy and hope was the perfect bookend to my morning Hillary conversation with my mother. I carried a drop of their optimism with me on the drive home.
Time for bed now. Looks like I’ll finally decide at 8:30am tomorrow when the curtain closes behind me - and I’m quite certain I won’t be alone.
“This isn’t what the media might like to simply label a head vs. heart decision. This is heart vs. heart. And whichever way I vote, I’m worried mine might break.” —Just a perfectly beautiful way to describe it. Sigh.
Jess, just beautifully written.
Well written indeed Jess.
Here’s the thing for me…
In 2000, we were posed with a different version of this very same problem:
“A vote for Nadar is a vote for Bush”.
And now, annoyingly, it feels like “A vote for Hillary is a vote for Mccain”.
In 2000, when confronted with the Nadar conundrum, I decided that before my legal right to choose came something even more fundamental; my legal right to vote. So much to my mother’s and my sister’s dismay, I went out and exercised my right to vote for the candidate that I actually believed in as a woman–NOT for the one I was getting bullied into as a woman. Because really, in the end, voting for Gore felt like exercising my rights like birds exercising wings in a cage. I mean–at least they can eat and move around a little. I decided what’s the point of having the right to vote as a woman, when we are being forced and manipulated into voting for Gore by men anyway? Ugh. So I voted for Nadar and guess what happened….we got Bush for 8 years and my heart IS broken.
So here we go again.
I, too, would like to take generations of women into the booth with me today, but not if it will cost me 8 years of Mccain. Again, I feel bullied and manipulated into a vote by men. It’s shameful and I’m sick of it. Unlike 2000, however, there is a back-up prize for us women, which is the unification of oppressed minorities. And if I can’t go into the booth with generations of women, I’m glad that I can at least I can go into the booth with generations of black men.
Yes, very well written. Quite frankly, I waffled back and forth too. Predominantly, I was for Barack originally. Then came Oprah, it just TURNED ME OFF. I felt like Barack gave in to the game. Then I saw Hillary on a late night run of the Tyra Banks show, and I just felt like I got to know a side of Hillary I never knew. The “star” endorsements just don’t do it for me.
That Traister quote about how to explain things to my daughter is what stuck with me. All my life I’ve wanted to have a woman president. At one point, I thought I might be the first woman president. (You can stop snickering now.) And now, I have the chance to vote for a candidate whose views I mostly share, with some misgivings, and who is a woman. How can I tell my girls that I didn’t follow through on everything I believed in, and try to tell them is possible?
[…] One of my other friends who was at brunch with me on Sunday, wrote a lovely piece describing things from her persepective. She, too, is filled with angst over this decision. Please check out what she’s written (and don’t miss her sister, Tay’s, fantastic follow-up response in the comments section). […]
I can relate to everything you said… especially since I also have the kind of mom who fought hard for me to have the opportunities I have today.
But I also think that the real goal of the women’s movement was equality, not for women to have an advantage. In some ways it shows how far women have come. You voted for the person you thought was the best candidate, regardless of gender (and race!). I’m all for supporting women when it’s appropriate, but it’s just as biased to vote for someone *because* she’s a woman as it is to vote *against* someone because she’s a woman.
So, I’m dying to know (before my trip into the booth), who won your vote? Are you voting and telling?
Signed,
A Member of The Campaign 08 Wrought With Indecision Club
I’m proud of my vote for Hillary though I struggled up to the last minute as well. Waiting for the polls to open before work, I chatted with my neighbors in the Oakland cold. I checked my watch and quipped, “It’s 7:05. I better decide now, huh?” Everyone laughed and the cute guy in front of me replied, “Thanks for reminding me.”
I keep going back to how I finally made up my mind. What would you do if you had to decide between your best friend and your newish boyfriend? Hands down, best friend, right? This analogy comforts me and makes me feel like I made the right decision.
Whew…what an impressive dialog…I too wavered…though I cast my vote, I am still concerned about the overall outcome, and my opinion of it…I think that Tammy probably summed it up best, as did you…I just don’t think Hillary will make it all the way…the final trail to the election is a black diamond and too many people vote with public ads and slime throwing rather than a true grasp of the politics…she just has too much behind her… argh… I don’t think it undermines the female movement to be rational and look at the big picture… She just may not be the right choice…but hey, what do I know anyway???
Cut yourself some slack on this one.
The reason many democrats and independent voters are apprehensive about Hilary Clinton has nothing to do with her politics, experience, motivations, surname, and/or lack of a Y chromosome. She is without question a qualified and formidable candidate. The problem lies in her public demeanor. There is a fundamental lack of sincerity about her that is difficult to describe, but nonetheless real. I hate to say this, but its the kind of thing my Bullmastiff Gracie would recognize in a few seconds, but highly qualified academics and reporters struggle to qualify after countless interviews.
Obama and McCain are miles ahead of Clinton in this regard - and it does matter in a tight race. Her only hope is try to distinguish herself from Obama (if possible) on substantive matters of policy - and democrats have been reluctant to address the true disparity in their ranks for many years now.
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